An actual update

[badatapologies]

Apparently I've entered one of those loss-of-signal periods. I've started about fifteen posts over the past couple of weeks but I either can't finish the thought or it degenerates into some kind of sad personal crisis that frankly would cheapen both of us.

Okay, just a taste: driving down the road today I was thinking nobody ever misses me. nobody ever longs for me, looks back and wishes they'd stayed with me, nobody sits alone crying with unrequited love for me, i am the great lost love of nobody's life. i ache for the people who broke my heart, but nobody aches for me. As if I could know that, or as if somehow everything would be better if they did. Ludicrous.

I've mostly been too busy for that kind of self pity--and here I'm lying, because there's always room for self-pity, it's the Jell-o of negative emotions. But I've been working quite a bit, and going on job interviews, and making travel arrangements for Austin, and generally trying to better my situation as quickly as possible. My generous host has fallen in love with a man from her past in Phoenix. So much so that my generous host is moving to Phoenix. Which means that once again, I find myself racing against the clock to find a new place to live. The other night I was watching Doctor Who and I found myself a bit more emotionally invested in the outcome than seemed reasonable. Later I realized that Doctor Who is a television program about a solitary traveler, never quite at home anywhere, who bounces from place to place and crisis to crisis in an ancient mechanical contraption that should long ago have fallen apart. And who periodically becomes a completely different person. That's not a metaphor, that's a fucking documentary. Mind you I could do with a scarf and coat, it's been chilly.

It's been a difficult few weeks but it's hard to articulate exactly why. The script didn't advance beyond the semis at Austin but I'm still going, at least as of this writing. There's more to the final placement result than I can discuss right now but the long and the short of it is, it may lead to a better opportunity with AFF in a few months. So I need to go. I was going to be getting some travel help from my mom but characteristically she backed out, and in doing so she sent me a long email with the following HELPFUL ADVICE (verbatim):

YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT GETTING A FULL TIME JOB AND WORKING ON ALL THE OTHER THINGS IN YOUR SPARE TIME. I KNOW THAT SUCKS BUT THE WAY THINGS ARE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FACE REALITY THAT YOU NEED FOOD AND A PLACE TO LIVE FIRST. I AM NOT TRYING TO DISCOURAGE YOU NOT AT ALL BUT I ALSO WORRY THAT YOU ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT THE EVERYDAY SUCKY THINGS THAT YOU HAVE GOT TO THINK OF.

Remind me to thank her in my Oscar speech. I must have been temporarily blinded to reality by the staggering $1.18 I had in the bank for ten days. Silly me.

As a person who spent 30-odd years trying very hard to not publicly need anything, to be almost pathologically self-contained, it's beyond uncomfortable and embarrassing to be at such loose ends. (Yes, it's so embarrassing I'm blogging about it. Lol.) It's occurred to me that the sort of unbelievable series of mishaps and betrayals and personal failures and whatnot that have led me to this point would make for some interesting dramatic writing, but I feel like it's against my principles to write it. I wouldn't want to propagate the idea that life is like this, even though clearly life is like this. Maybe it's just too soon. Don't know how it's going to end. This could just be the stereotypical darkest-before-the-dawn moment. God really needs to stop getting story ideas from the Men Without Hats episode of Behind The Music.

I think of it as labor, sometimes. As in "giving birth". Uncomfortable, potentially dangerous, messy, painful process. Agonizing. Seems to go on forever. (Like this post.) But one hopes the results will be worth it. And that I'll block out the memory of the whole thing when I'm sunning on the beach in Maui, knocking back pina coladas while my beleaguered husband chases our two perfect kids around the pool and my ever-reliable assistant fields the eight-figure movie offers and Oprah interview requests and genius grants and whatnot.

I am aware that my husband is gay and my assistant is an incompetent cartoon hamster. Do not harsh my buzz. Self-delusion is my sole remaining comfort.

I don't know. I've been profoundly changed by everything that's happened and I don't like it, I've reached this horrible uncomfortable disillusionment where nothing seems good or beautiful or true. Everything seems to be this gnawing, relentless struggle, and the point of it eludes me. If I could just see daylight I'd drive towards it.

Comments

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

I admit to being surprised by the hamster, but not the gay husband. The hamster needs opposing thumbs to work the Blackberry that's all I'm sayin'

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

I am like catnip to gay husbands. I'm like Grace from Will and Grace, only portly and unattractive. But I do have a charming personality. Buried somewhere beneath this one, apparently. :)

Penfold was hired strictly for comic relief. I'm old-school, there are no blackberries in my delusions, only 50s pastel princess telephones to communicate with the coasts.

[uncacreamy.livejournal.com]

(Except you're not unattractive)

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

I either can't finish the thought or it degenerates into some kind of sad personal crisis that frankly would cheapen both of us.

...we could get cheaper?

How cheap can we go?

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

We are at Pabst Blue Ribbon, heading past Hamm's towards Schaefer at a pretty good clip. Beyond that...maybe Keystone Light?

Re: How cheap can we go?

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

...and then, someday, you and I will meet in person...

[uncacreamy.livejournal.com]

I wish I had something to offer you.. crash space, or that I was capable of being philanthropic. All I can offer you is the assurance that someone cares what happens in your life.

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that very much. Thanks. :)

[albatrossity.livejournal.com]

I've been profoundly changed by everything that's happened and I don't like it, I've reached this horrible uncomfortable disillusionment where nothing seems good or beautiful or true. Everything seems to be this gnawing, relentless struggle, and the point of it eludes me. If I could just see daylight I'd drive towards it.

Werd.

Except that as long as we're breathing we own the entire world. Even when we can close our eyes, it is all there for us. That's what I tell myself anyway. This moment and this moment and this moment is mine. I am lucky to feel the clean flannel of my bedsheets and to see the sunlight dappling through the trees and even to smell the horrors that burble from my 1000 y.o. piping in this beautiful decaying house I'm temporarily crash-landing in. I'm having to get super basic about the experience of living instead of the experience of attachment to other humans.

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

You're right of course. For the first few months I was here I was able to stay in the moment like that, and really make the most of this experience. But my plans for "the future" keep falling out from under me, and my friend is getting ready to leave town, and all of a sudden that panicked feeling is in my throat again, the ticking clock, the draining bank account, what happens to me now? On the one hand maybe I need to just stay in the moment and trust that it'll work out as it must. On the other hand, though, it feels like this could go from bad to unbelievably worse if I'm not really careful or really lucky.

I'm just tired. I'm sure it will all be all right.

[maleadanee.livejournal.com]

Wondered where you had been!
.nobody ever misses me. nobody ever longs for me, looks back and wishes they'd stayed with me, nobody sits alone crying with unrequited love for me, i am the great lost love of nobody's life. i ache for the people who broke my heart, but nobody aches for me.
OK. This might be a little on the strange side but I did have a dream that Ken Grace and I were trying to find you and save you from "something". This was last night. So even though its not longing or broken heart stuff someone is thinking of you even on a subconscious level. So there. BTW, I have not seen or talked to Ken since 1987, same goes with you. (well the seeing you part anyway)
Maui will be nice, perfect children? Let me know if you achieve this, Mine are about to give me a massive stroke

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Last night! Wow. No, it's great! I made your subconscious, AND you remembered it! I wonder where young Mr. Grace has gone, I think of him often.

Where do you live, Tucson? Next time I am in AZ maybe we can get together and say hi. It's been too long.

The perfect children, like the gay husband and the hamster assistant, only exist in my dreams. I'm sure the real ones I get will be little terrors.

The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

I miss you. Haven't cried over it, but I haven't cried over missing Gramma, either. Doesn't mean I don't miss someone.

Here, maybe you can pass this on to your mom:

Hi, I'm Eric Paul Johnson. You may know me as Cait's lifelong best friend for more than 30 years.
A full-time job isn't always the answer for every person. Take me for instance...I work 40 hours a week at $11.55 an hour. Rent for my place is way too high, and it's not that different for other decent apartments in a decent part of town. Combine that with $200 electric bills the last three months, and everything else to stay alive, and I don't have money for anything else. I'm not riding a bike to work just because it's good for me. It's because I can't afford gas anymore. My girlfriend is gonna have to use her food stamps so I can eat this month. To get through this month without moving in with my parents I'm going to have to take my change jar to a Coinstar, my savings of $47.37 will be wiped out, and, AND I'm going to have to find a friend with some money and ask to borrow it.
What I'm trying say here is, if you're going to waste your life, it's better waste it chasing an impossible dream than waste it chasing a carrot on a stick. And, hey, with a little work, a little luck, and a little talent that impossible dream could become possible reality.
Think about, kids. The more you know....

And if that doesn't get her off your back, kick her in the ass.

Re: The more You Know....

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Are you saying the American dream is a bogus pile of crap?

Don't worry, I'm not desperate enough to take employment or financial advice from my mom. I just don't need to be kicked when I'm down, that's all.

Re: The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Pretty much in a Republican administration.

I figured you weren't gonna push it aside and get a job at McDonald's. I'm sure your aunt can get you in if you do. Get me a vintage paper hat.

Re: The more You Know....

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Oh, also I miss you as well. I did not welcome the return to us seeing each other once a year. Sucks.

Send me Wendy's email address, hey? I keep losing it.

Re: The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

Back atcha.

Did I send you Wendy's address? Do you have it now?

[fluffy109.livejournal.com]

YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT GETTING A FULL TIME JOB AND WORKING ON ALL THE OTHER THINGS IN YOUR SPARE TIME.

is your mother one of those people who remains unwilling to accept the "can't" factor? as in, as long as certain things are the way they are for you, you *can't* just so get some random full-time job? saying things like that to you is wrong on so many levels. i'm sure her advice is coming from a place of caring, but that doesn't make her any more on the ball. :/

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

See, I know I'm not giving people enough backstory about my relationship with my mom. My mom and I lived together approximately four years of my 38. She's like a distant aunt or something. She knows almost nothing about me, definitely nothing about my limitations, health, etc. Pretty sure she just considers me very very lazy, since I've resisted her lifetime efforts to get me to become a ditch-digger. I've been trying for months to get a full-time job, I've been doing everything I can to change my situation both with the film and with just general dayjob stuff, and for her to start giving me "advice"...it's insulting and preposterous. And let's be honest here: her advice is not coming from a place of caring. She just doesn't want to have to help me, which is also ridiculous since she never does. She abandoned me when I was five and she feels guilty about it, and that I'm struggling and alone just reminds her of what she did. What I think she really wants for me to do is to stop calling. And I should, but the people I would normally call have all died. So.

[mcpino.livejournal.com]

Uh, this may not be the best of all possible times to ask, but, um...


Are you planning a tour thru the midwest any time? And if you are, do you still have those "Bailey" glasses?

Baby, if you ever wondered...

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Apparently I need to start attending film festivals in the Chicagoland area? I am pretty sure I could rustle up those Bailey glasses if the opportunity arose... :-)

[frobisher.livejournal.com]

On the up side, "God really needs to stop getting story ideas from the Men Without Hats episode of Behind The Music." is going into my sigfile.

Don't let the daleks bite.

[trema-slo.livejournal.com]

sending flowers. Will be at Burning Man decompression in SF on Sunday and still in the City Monday. If you have my cell # and if meeting up for lunch Monday in Berkeley or any bay area place would interest you I'm open for that.
grace be with you for all you are doing. all you feel.
T.L.