An actual update

[badatapologies]

Apparently I've entered one of those loss-of-signal periods. I've started about fifteen posts over the past couple of weeks but I either can't finish the thought or it degenerates into some kind of sad personal crisis that frankly would cheapen both of us.

Okay, just a taste: driving down the road today I was thinking nobody ever misses me. nobody ever longs for me, looks back and wishes they'd stayed with me, nobody sits alone crying with unrequited love for me, i am the great lost love of nobody's life. i ache for the people who broke my heart, but nobody aches for me. As if I could know that, or as if somehow everything would be better if they did. Ludicrous.

I've mostly been too busy for that kind of self pity--and here I'm lying, because there's always room for self-pity, it's the Jell-o of negative emotions. But I've been working quite a bit, and going on job interviews, and making travel arrangements for Austin, and generally trying to better my situation as quickly as possible. My generous host has fallen in love with a man from her past in Phoenix. So much so that my generous host is moving to Phoenix. Which means that once again, I find myself racing against the clock to find a new place to live. The other night I was watching Doctor Who and I found myself a bit more emotionally invested in the outcome than seemed reasonable. Later I realized that Doctor Who is a television program about a solitary traveler, never quite at home anywhere, who bounces from place to place and crisis to crisis in an ancient mechanical contraption that should long ago have fallen apart. And who periodically becomes a completely different person. That's not a metaphor, that's a fucking documentary. Mind you I could do with a scarf and coat, it's been chilly.

It's been a difficult few weeks but it's hard to articulate exactly why. The script didn't advance beyond the semis at Austin but I'm still going, at least as of this writing. There's more to the final placement result than I can discuss right now but the long and the short of it is, it may lead to a better opportunity with AFF in a few months. So I need to go. I was going to be getting some travel help from my mom but characteristically she backed out, and in doing so she sent me a long email with the following HELPFUL ADVICE (verbatim):

YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT GETTING A FULL TIME JOB AND WORKING ON ALL THE OTHER THINGS IN YOUR SPARE TIME. I KNOW THAT SUCKS BUT THE WAY THINGS ARE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FACE REALITY THAT YOU NEED FOOD AND A PLACE TO LIVE FIRST. I AM NOT TRYING TO DISCOURAGE YOU NOT AT ALL BUT I ALSO WORRY THAT YOU ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT THE EVERYDAY SUCKY THINGS THAT YOU HAVE GOT TO THINK OF.

Remind me to thank her in my Oscar speech. I must have been temporarily blinded to reality by the staggering $1.18 I had in the bank for ten days. Silly me.

As a person who spent 30-odd years trying very hard to not publicly need anything, to be almost pathologically self-contained, it's beyond uncomfortable and embarrassing to be at such loose ends. (Yes, it's so embarrassing I'm blogging about it. Lol.) It's occurred to me that the sort of unbelievable series of mishaps and betrayals and personal failures and whatnot that have led me to this point would make for some interesting dramatic writing, but I feel like it's against my principles to write it. I wouldn't want to propagate the idea that life is like this, even though clearly life is like this. Maybe it's just too soon. Don't know how it's going to end. This could just be the stereotypical darkest-before-the-dawn moment. God really needs to stop getting story ideas from the Men Without Hats episode of Behind The Music.

I think of it as labor, sometimes. As in "giving birth". Uncomfortable, potentially dangerous, messy, painful process. Agonizing. Seems to go on forever. (Like this post.) But one hopes the results will be worth it. And that I'll block out the memory of the whole thing when I'm sunning on the beach in Maui, knocking back pina coladas while my beleaguered husband chases our two perfect kids around the pool and my ever-reliable assistant fields the eight-figure movie offers and Oprah interview requests and genius grants and whatnot.

I am aware that my husband is gay and my assistant is an incompetent cartoon hamster. Do not harsh my buzz. Self-delusion is my sole remaining comfort.

I don't know. I've been profoundly changed by everything that's happened and I don't like it, I've reached this horrible uncomfortable disillusionment where nothing seems good or beautiful or true. Everything seems to be this gnawing, relentless struggle, and the point of it eludes me. If I could just see daylight I'd drive towards it.

Comments

The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

I miss you. Haven't cried over it, but I haven't cried over missing Gramma, either. Doesn't mean I don't miss someone.

Here, maybe you can pass this on to your mom:

Hi, I'm Eric Paul Johnson. You may know me as Cait's lifelong best friend for more than 30 years.
A full-time job isn't always the answer for every person. Take me for instance...I work 40 hours a week at $11.55 an hour. Rent for my place is way too high, and it's not that different for other decent apartments in a decent part of town. Combine that with $200 electric bills the last three months, and everything else to stay alive, and I don't have money for anything else. I'm not riding a bike to work just because it's good for me. It's because I can't afford gas anymore. My girlfriend is gonna have to use her food stamps so I can eat this month. To get through this month without moving in with my parents I'm going to have to take my change jar to a Coinstar, my savings of $47.37 will be wiped out, and, AND I'm going to have to find a friend with some money and ask to borrow it.
What I'm trying say here is, if you're going to waste your life, it's better waste it chasing an impossible dream than waste it chasing a carrot on a stick. And, hey, with a little work, a little luck, and a little talent that impossible dream could become possible reality.
Think about, kids. The more you know....

And if that doesn't get her off your back, kick her in the ass.

Re: The more You Know....

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Are you saying the American dream is a bogus pile of crap?

Don't worry, I'm not desperate enough to take employment or financial advice from my mom. I just don't need to be kicked when I'm down, that's all.

Re: The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Pretty much in a Republican administration.

I figured you weren't gonna push it aside and get a job at McDonald's. I'm sure your aunt can get you in if you do. Get me a vintage paper hat.

Re: The more You Know....

[mcbrennan.livejournal.com]

Oh, also I miss you as well. I did not welcome the return to us seeing each other once a year. Sucks.

Send me Wendy's email address, hey? I keep losing it.

Re: The more You Know....

[capsuper.livejournal.com]

Back atcha.

Did I send you Wendy's address? Do you have it now?